My love hate relationship with self help books.
Something about self help books keeps drawing me in. No matter how many I read there is always another waiting for me.
Most of these books have me hooked with the “oh dam that’s me moment” followed by the promise of silver bullets.
When I find these nuggets of wisdom, I’m like a kid in a candy store, taking a screen shot, almost before I have finished the paragraph and am busting to share it with whoever will listen! Judging by the fact that Michael (my fiancé) reckons I could be an audiobook saleswoman this habit of mine is alive and well!
You would think by now I would have the answer to all the world’s problems. But nope, there is always another book calling my name, especially when Brene Brown recommends it.
The thing is, before I start a self-help book, I don’t know what I don’t know and am blissfully unaware of the depth of research behind why I do what I do.
Once I have finished reading, I shift to ok now I know what’s happening I just don’t know how to change. Well technically, I do know how because the book told me.
This is when my hate of self-help kicks ins, and it goes something like this. My triggering behaviour pops up, I work through some average feelings and then I remember the books pearls of wisdom and suddenly I am deep in this feeling of guilt and frustration. “Why can’t I apply what I know” or “you know better and remember reading about this so just don’t do it”.
Argh, please don’t tell me I am alone in this feeling. After this, then starts the subconscious hunt for the next shiny new self-help book full of promise.
I love this addiction I am always learning something new and sharing my learnings with others, but the reality is I am no happier, healthier, or confident than when I start the book.
Actually, what has happened is I have fallen into the knowing doing gap, where you know how to do something but don’t actually do it, and chances are you might have as well.
Here’s how I have worked out to close the gap:
Ask myself what is serving me about my current behaviour? There is always a purpose for our continued behaviour and at some level these behaviours serve us. Unless we acknowledge how they do, letting go of them becomes incredibly challenging.
Connect the books advice to my purpose. Research tells us the stronger the intention behind the behaviour the more likely we are to do it. Check your connection by asking “if I am doing the new behaviour in 20 years’ time how much of an impact would it have made”? If the answer is little impact chances are the advice will be hard to implement.
Talk to my coach. I can’t tell you the number of times I have spent countless hours trying to self-coaching myself to change my behaviour according to a book and then found that through a coaching session I was able to unlock a new perspective, let go of frustration and move forward with confidence.
If you took can get hooked into the self-help love hate relationship, firstly remember you are not the only one and if coaching sounds like it could be impactful for you, I would love to hear from you.