Why you feel guilty when you say no

I have spent the last 30 years of my life feeling guilty for saying no and worrying that I have let the other person down. I know I am not alone in this, you know that feeling you get when you feel bad when you say no even if you are double booked? Yet at the same time you are so relieved when someone cancels on you so you can have time to yourself. Hmm yip sound familiar?

Dr Rebecca Ray in her book Setting Boundaries has given me an oh shit moment as well as the language to explain why.

Turns out we have two types of guilt. Inward and outwards.

Let’s start with outwards as it’s a little kinder. Outwards guilt tells you that you have made a mistake between yourself, and another person and you need to apologise. For example, I had organised with a friend to call her and totally forgot about it and then said yes to dinner with my brother and only realised when she was calling me that I couldn’t chat to her. This type of guilt requires a genuine apology.

Here’s the insightful guilt, inwards guilt. It is guilt that says your care deeply about someone else and your relationship with yourself needs strengthening. For example, It’s Thursday night and you are already feeling shattered after a long week and a friend asks if you want to do drinks tomorrow night. You say you can’t but feel guilty as she might be unhappy. The reality is you don’t have to apologise. Your guilt is a signal that your relationship with yourself needs strengthening and that you don’t yet have the internal strength to embrace your right to say no and put your needs first without emotional baggage.

Saying no can be incredibly hard. Society tells us we should be social, be busy and care for others, and the reality is if you don’t take time to pour your own cup first you are going to have nothing left to give others or yourself.

Here are the three things I use to embrace saying no guilt free.

1.       Shift your language from I have to, to I choose to when deciding how to spend you time.

2.       Remind yourself that you don’t have to earn other people’s respect or rest. You are already worthy of both of those things.

3.       Remember you only need to be good enough not perfect. Sometimes you will get it wrong and that’s ok.

Here’s a taste of one of the many topics we explore in the personal planning sisterhood. If this has your curious take a look to see if the next sisterhood might be for you.